911

Dear Members of the Public at Large,

The following are not legitimate reasons for calling 911. Not only should these situations be obvious non-emergencies, but in the time it takes for you to decide to call 911, you should realize that your decision is incorrect. 

"911. What is the address of your emergency?"
"This isn't a real emergency" (HINT: Then don't call 911.) "but I need to make a complaint about one of your officers."

NOTE: If your complaint involves the officer in the current act of committing a felony, then please, heaven, yes! call 911! If your complaint involves the officer in question "driving too fast" when you saw him an hour ago while you were coming home from grocery shopping, then please, pause, reflect, and look up our non-emergency phone number. Not only will we gladly answer your call, but we can get you talking with a responsible person who will also gladly converse with you about your concerns.

"911. What is the address of your emergency?"
"This isn't a real emergency" (HINT: Then don't call 911.) "I just need to get in touch with the fire department."

NOTE: What you're looking for is Google. Pull up a web browser, type "phone number for fire department," scan the results for your city's phone number, and don't call 911.

"911. What is the address of your emergency?"
"There's no emergency" (HINT: Then don't call 911.) "I'm just trying to get a hold of the police in X city."

NOTE: What you're looking for is Google. Pull up a web browser, type "phone number for police department in X city," scan the results for your city's phone number, and don't call 911.

"911. What is the address of your emergency?"
"Hi. Yes. I need to talk to your chief."
"Do you need emergency services?"
"No." (HINT: Then don't call 911.) "I just need to talk to your chief."

NOTE: Our chief is great and willingly talks to members of the public that would drive me nuts. But I have yet to see the emergency situation that is handled only by our chief. After normal working hours. On a weekend. Think about what time it is when you decide that you simply must speak with the chief and only the chief and then call our non-emergency number.

"911. What is the address of your emergency?"
"I need the number for the water department."
"Do you need emergency services?"
"No." (HINT: Then don't call 911.) 

NOTE: What you're looking for is Google. Pull up a web browser, type "phone number for water department," scan the results for your city's phone number, and don't call 911.

You may have noticed a bit of a running theme. First of all, if you don't need emergency services (i.e., fire engines rushing to your house, ambulances, or police with lots of guns) then you should not be calling 911.

Secondly, Google is your friend. 911 is not Google. We are not a phone book, a switchboard service, or Google. Google has the information to almost everything. Google does not provide emergency services. 911 provides emergency services. Emergency? 911. Information? Google.

Please grasp this simple difference, dear Public, and all of our lives will be better.

Yours in earnest, 

911 dispatcher