Recently my brother texted me a funny story he experienced while
out in Monterey where he is being paid to live on the beach and learn Chinese.
We can dissect the blatant injustice of the situation later. For now we’ll
refer to the amusing incident.
While in class my brother used the phrase “I could care less” to
express his opinion on a matter under discussion. A classmate immediately launched
into a heated and well-rehearsed soliloquy about the grammatical incorrectness
of the phrase and the abuse it suffers at the tongues of English speakers. The
real phrase, he asserted, ought to be “I couldn’t care less,” which informs the
audience that the speaker is incapable of feeling anything on the topic under
discussion whatsoever. After enduring a three-to-five minute lecture on his
misuse of the phrase, my brother attempted briefly to explain that his use was
intentional and that he, as a Linguist (mind the cap), knew both sides of the
argument and had made a conscious decision to “break the rule.” Naturally, the
classmate retaliated with the argument that they were all linguists, duh, which
was why they were at DLI in Monterey in the first place—to become linguists.
Thankfully my brother knew better than to attempt an explanation on the
difference between a lowercase and an uppercase ‘l’.
Now, as a mad linguist—and Linguist—I have consciously abandoned
any effort to correct my fellowmen’s grammar in any degree. I see nothing wrong
with the verb “ain’t”—what other verb form exists as a contraction expressing
the first person negation of “to be”? (I have long advocated the use of “I amn’t”
but so far it hasn’t gotten quite the response needed to ensure it a place in
Dr Johnson’s dictionary.) I fully support the split infinitive as well as the
carefully used intentionally ambiguous dangling modifier. There is nothing
wrong with “Everyone having their own opinion”—what are you going
to say, “Everyone having one’s own opinion”? or the classic “Everyone having
his or her own opinion”? (If you’re at all curious, historically the first
option is “correct” according to the Early Modern English grammarians—including
the previously mentioned Dr Johnson—who set about trying to shape up the language
in the first place.) And when millions of English speaking soccer fans
worldwide cheer on their respective teams do they shout “All right!” with the
express intention of asserting that all is indeed right? or “Alright!” with the
passing and probably unnoticed intention of expressing approval at a play well
made? Though I’m sure on some psychological level they do intend to argue that
all is right in the world, (they’re sitting at home with popcorn and drinks
watching their favorite footballers score amazing goals—what could possibly be
wrong?) I still feel safe in believing that they have no intention whatsoever
of replacing the phrase with “All correct!”
Now for the phrase that got us in trouble in the first place.
Correcting such a phrase puts one in a very precarious position. Let us examine
the words as our opinionated classmate has set them forth: I couldn’t care
less. This entails that the speaker, having considered all aspects of the topic
under discussion, has come to the conclusion that he has reached his supreme
emotional capacity in this realm and is eternally physically incapable of
expressing or feeling any further sentiment whatsoever. Is that, in fact, what
the average speaker intends to say? Apart from being a completely ludicrous
statement, expressing such an idea is almost theologically dangerous. How
arrogant can a person be to truly and sincerely believe that he, in the first
place, knows himself to have no further ability to access emotion concerning
the topic in any minute corner of his soul and, secondly, to believe such an
outrageous statement so firmly that he not only expresses it willfully but
forces it unyieldingly on others’ souls?
Say I were to enter a conversation in progress and, upon hearing
you use the phrase “I could care less,” were to immediately leap up and demand
that you amend your statement to reflect the lack of emotional capacity
available to your soul’s growth upon this earth. Would you support such an
attack? I imagine you’d punch me on the nose, and deservedly so.
I humbly suggest, therefore, that, for our own immortal safety, we
transcend a historical decision of syntax and morphology in favor of avoiding
appearing overwhelmingly arrogant. By saying “I could care less,” we can
express our present lack of interest in the subject at hand without attempting
to define the limits of a part of our being that none of us truly understands.
The statement is no less true; we could all quite possibly care less—we simply
don’t for the time being.
And if you’ve made it this far and are now thinking “I could
honestly care less,” I say “Alright!”
